Kid-Leysssss....

A women went into a butcher shop and asked the boy at the counter, "Do you have any beef kid leys?


"I suppose you mean Kidneys", said the butcher....


"Well", said the woman, " that's what I saidle, diddle I"...?

Wrong Feet....

PINKY, YOU HAVE YOUR SHOES ON THE WRONG FEET....


...................


BUT THEY ARE THE ONLY FEET I HAVE.....

Hear Something....?....

DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?


NO...


tHAT'S FULLY. i AM TALKING TO YOU?

COMICS - 34

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(34)
Ajit: What do racoons eat?
Raghu: They eat anything they find.
Ajit: But what if they can not find anything?
Raghu: Then they eat something else.
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(33)
Shreyas: Deepak, I went to the zoo yesterday.
Deepak: Did you? i was too.
Shreyas: Really, in which cage?

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(32)
Teacher : Damu, if a man buys an article for Rs. 11.60 and sells it for Rs. 9.80 does he gain or lose?
Damu : Sir, he gains on the paise but loses on rupee
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(31)
Patient: Doctor Saheb, how can I eer pay for your kindness?
Doctor: By cheque or cash.

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(30)
Teacher: John, if you were in a forest and you saw a tiger coming towards you, what steps will you take?
John: The logest steps I could, sir.
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(29)
The huseband came home from office and found the house in utter chaos. He asked his wife:
What has happened? The wife replied helplessly: You are always wondering what I do all day at home. Well, here it is. I did not do anything. Everything has been looted.
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(28)
Police Inspector : On what grounds did you attempt this muder?
Accused : On the 5th floor, sir.
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(27)
Patient : Sister, will the doctor stitch up the wound nicely?
Nurse : Don't worry. He was a tailor before this.
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(26)
Sonu: Dev, how die you get that swelling on your nose?
Dev: I got it by smelling a brose.
Sonu: But there is no 'b' in rose.
Dev: But there was one in this.
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(25)
Son : Dad, Where is the Himalayas?
Father ( absentmindedly): I do not know. Ask your mother. She is always in the habit of keeping things here and there.

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(24)
Lady (to the servant): Use this new detergent powder to wash the clothes.
Servant : I don't know how to use it. Madam.
Lady: ust read the instructions printed on the packet and follow them carefull.
After some time--
Lady: What are you doing?
Servant : Madam, it is written here that the detergent has to be dissolved in half a bucket of water. So i am cutting this but into half. It is a difficult job, you know.


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(23)
Control tower (to pilot): Pleast report your height and position.

Pilot : I am 5ft 11 inches and I am in the cockpit.

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(22)

Reporter (to a boy): What made you risk your life to save your friend from drowning in the river?

Boy: I had to do it because he was wearing my costly jacket.

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(21)
Sonu :- Dev, how did you get that swelling on your nose?

Dev :- I got it by smelling a brose.

Sonu :- But there is no 'b' in rose.


Dev:- But there was one in this.
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(20)

Son:- Dad, where is the Himalayas?

Father (absentmindedly): I do not know. Ask your mother. She is always in the habit of keeping things here and there.


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(19)

A Traveller was on a long journey. One night he found himself sharing a room with a stranger in a small hotel. He had a feeling that the stranger would try to rob his money while he was sleeping. So when the man went out, he kept his money in a particular place. He was sure it would be safe there and went to sleep. Next morning the traveller and the stranger were about to leave and go in different ways. At that time the stranger confessed that he was a robber. He said, " I was sure you were carrying a large sum of money and I instead to rob it but though I searched your luggage I could not find it. Where did you hide it? " It was right under your pillow", the traveller replied with a smile.

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(18)
Hereditary problem::--

A doctor advised, " I cannot do anything for your problem - it is hereditary".

" Then send the bill to my father!"
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(17)
By just crying

Mother: “Won’t it be nice when baby brother starts to talk?”

Rajesh: (rather jealous) :”What does he want to talk for? He gets everything he wants by just crying!”
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(16)
Stops the minute you call me, Sir!

Teacher: “Suresh, what is a brain?”
Suresh: “ Something that starts working as soon as I get up in the morning and stops the minute you call me, Sir”.
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(15)
Who is the head of the family?

(A policeman broke in to a house where a fight was going on.)

Policeman : “ Who is the head of the family?”
Woman : “That is what we are trying to settle it now”
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(14)
Both of us are ashamed

The employer was talking with his new employee to whom he was paying only a small salary. “ Your monthly salary is a very personal matter. Hence, as far as possible do not reveal it to anyone. “
“ I would not dream of telling it to any one, Sir”, retorted the young employee. “ I am as much ashamed of it as you are”.
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(13)
Is it necessary?

Doctor : “Could you pay for the operation if I thought it was necessary?”

Patient : “ Would you find it necessary if I could not pay for it ?”

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(12)
Rules to estimate cost of living

" Do you know any reliable rule to estimate the cost of living?"

"Yes. Take your income whatever that may be and add twenty per cent".

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(11)
18 years younger

A clerk asked the old office peon, " How is it that you have a black moustache but grey hair on your head?"

" My dear sir, the hair of my moustache is 18 years younger than the hair on my head", came the prompt reply.

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(10)
My first job

Thief: Hands up or else
David: Or else what?
Thief: Don't get me confisued. This is my first job.

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(9)
A good kick to the bucket

"Why do you come with an empty bucket? You should have got milk from the cow", the farmer asked his servant.

"Of course, she gave four litres of milk and a good kick to the bucket."

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(8)
Homework for father

Teacher: How old is your father?

Raju: Thirty-Eight, sir.

Teacher : Well, I must give you homework more suited to his age.

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(7)
One out of every ten

Visitor: How many people work here?

Employer: Oh, one out of every ten.

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(6)
Lost sight of land

Passanger : I am unlucky. Wherever i go to sea i lost something.

Captain of the ship : What have you lost, sir?

Passenger : I ha ve just lost sight of land.

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(5)
One hundred and four months.

"What is your age?" asked the judge, "Ramember you are under oath".

Tenty-one yars and some months", answered the woman "How many months?" insisted the judge.

"One hundred and four".

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(4)
Why ? What happened?

The new stenographer arrived late for work. Her boss was wild with anger. He said, "You should have come here at nine!" She asked, "Why? What happened?"

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(3)
God! You are all-wise

One hold day, Nasruddin was relaxing in the shade of a walnut tree. He looked at the huge pumpkins growing on the tiny plants and the small walnuts growing on the majestic tree.

"Sometimes I just cannot understand the ways of God!" he thought, "He lets tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins grow on wuch delicate plants!"

Just then a walnut snapped off and fell on mullah Nasruddin's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hand and face towards heaven, he said:

"Oh, my God! Forgive me for questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would i have been now, if pubmkins grew on trees!"....

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(2)
53 house calls

The girl had just broken off her engagement with the young doctor.

"Do you mean to tell me", exclaimed her girl friend, "that he actually asked you to return all his presents?"

"Not only that", she replied, " he sent me a bill for 53 house calls".

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(1)
I failed

"Hey, dad ! If i save you Hundred rupees would you give me Fifty Rupees?"

"Sure, I would, Son".

"Well, i saved it for you. You told me you would give me Hundred rupees if i passed my Chemistry test, and I failed".

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Why Silly?.....

Why do you think this fellow is silly?
***
Well, you know that poster in the Railway Station that says, "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN HYDERABAD".... Yes!
***
Well, he went in and applied for the job.....

Hotel Hijinx

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Solitary Confinement Woes

Three guys are convicted of

a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

What do you get when you divide ...

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi!

Ode to the Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile
And is always neat and clean.

The perfect man likes kids
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking.
He will clean and vacuum, too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his love for you.

The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And will kiss away your pain.

He never makes you cry
Nor caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem --
The perfect man is gay.

Men vs. Women: Round 1

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

And Then God Created Brunettes

Q: Why did God make brunettes?
A: So the ugly men have a chance

Men Are Like...

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Women's English

"Yes" = No

"No"= Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

Men & Women Of Chemistry

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic

Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

---

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was

in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will

pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Sex Math 101

What kind of math don't they teach in school?

How to add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!